Nick

((Makers)) Thank you all. I appreciate the compassion. Now that the dust has settled a bit the intensity of the grief has subsided. That's probably a good thing, but well . . It's just odd. To want to hold onto it, but being pretty much unable to as well. I find little spurts of it in my day to day. Opening up the closet and instinctually thinking maybe she's in her shoe box or just going into her old room first thing in the morning, still out of it from a hard night's sleep and expecting her to jump into my lap and remembering. . The experience has changed in some ways how I connect to death and has shown me some unique ways makers have used that energy in the past. Christian mentioned one, I like that. It's something that came pretty naturally. I think too not really about getting another cat, but the reality that even if I were to, whatever relationship I had with that animal would be completely different. What I had with kitty, that's over. Death, it really can be a bit harsh. Maybe not the death, but the sting of life in the face of it. Anyways, I just wanted to thank you all. Thank you <3

So my cat died two days ago. I can't really say it was unexpected. I knew for awhile that she had maybe a year or so left. I took that information and generally made the most of what time I had left, but now that she's gone I am feeling all sorts of things. There is of course the usual regret. There were times where she wanted more pets than I had left in me on a given day. Days where I felt like doing other things than holding her. Looking back, whatever it was that I was busying about with was not really as important as maybe taking that extra moment and holding her. Kitty liked to be held. At least she did before things got bad last week. I could tell things were progressing when that changed. There wasn't a whole lot I could have done to prevent it. Bi-monthly blood transfusions averaging to about 5 K a pop unfortunately weren't an option. Even if I had the money I wonder if it would be worth it. You take away the monetary value that somehow we place on a life and what's left is quality. Was kitty happy ? For most of her life I would say she was. I heard the expression soul animal for the first time just last week and while I was reluctant to say definitively Kitty was my "soul animal" - i can now in fact confirm, kitty was a soul cat. There's just something about that bond. I don't believe it's a one and done, like I will never be able to have that sort of deep connection with another animal because I know I will and can, but for whatever relationships I have in the future, mine and kitties relationship will be unique. I've been through a lot with kitty. Life has changed immensely over the last 12 years, which is how old she was. Kitty was a constant. I would go to work and then home, alone and spend hours upon hours just hanging with kitty. It's unfortunate that we never are able to fully grasp just how important something is to us until we lose it. Even when we know and cherish what time we have our minds hide from us the immensity of our emotions. Or at least try. I never doubted that I loved kitty. There has never really been much I wouldn't do for her. And that love was something I felt all of the time. So many hours of just togetherness. Not like lost in love or anything like that, but just moments. Very special moments where you could be yourself, pour your heart into something and really be asked absolutely nothing in return. Well . . Almost nothing. Kitty liked treats. Loved tuna, yogurt. The underside of her chin scratched as she was held and leaned backwards with her face pointed down at the ground. When she was younger kitty did flips with me. Sadly there came a day where she no longer cared to do that, but there really wasn't a limit to the trust she placed in me. One time she got fleas. I was pretty broke at the time and was exploring ways to get rid of her fleas that didn't cost money. I decided a bath would work. Kitty laid on my chest and had all but her head submerged for at least an hour. I thought drowning the fleas would work. It didn't, but what cat lets their person do that for them. Kitty. In some ways I think I must have led a pretty sheltered life if a cat dying was like this supreme moment of grief for me. And it's not l have led a sheltered life, at all . . I've basically lost everything. A few times, but holding kitty as the vet pushed those meds in . . I have never felt grief on that level. It was like a movie. Me holding her face, choked up and sobbing. You'd think that's the hard part and maybe it was, but living without her isn't proving to be easy either. When I got home from the vet, she was in a box. I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and then picked a spot in the garden. A nice perch on top of a hill overlooking the bird bath. I've been at this maker thing now for 15 years and have had my fair share of moments. Burying her was one of them. It's weird how things come together when they do. A confluence of intents magically seeming to all arrive in that magical moment and with that bringing meaning right when you need it the most. I've learn to trust those moments. I had a lot of those with kitty. At the vet, I really wanted to take her home. I wanted her to die at home. I also didn't want her to suffer though. I remember holding her and speaking to her with intent, wanting to know what she wanted and she was just so chill. She was ready. As a maker you learn to deal with strong emotions. We connect to them differently and with emotions this powerful it has been quite the ride. It is odd because the pain at times is terrible, but that sense of connection and love is so beautiful that it makes all of the grief and requisite sadness honestly worth it. I suppose that's the point though. Living a life that is worth going through the pain of dying. I'm learning a lot through this experience and sometimes I am torn about that. I feel like finding joy in exploring grief is at times almost a dishonor to kitty. I really don't believe that, but it is a peculiar thing to experience. I find myself opening up and being unable to do anything but run straight at it in classic maker form. I believe that's it for now. It's a lot to process and deal with. I tend to sort of just go at these things alone, but I am part of a community here and that's what this space is for. Talking the weird stuff out, sharing and exploring things that a lot of people just don't care to explore. I attached a photo of kitty. If you have an animal at home, give it a hug for me ❤️ -Nick 891ae6c8-812c-493d-927e-bf5a8e7ff9de.jfif